2005-12-11 - 11:25 p.m.
Hey Peeps! I know I didn't post last night... I was busy hanging out... Had a pretty good time too :D Drank a little, watched some music videos, talked, laughed, it was fun :D I think I really needed to do that... Cleared my mind out and for a bit I totally forgot about the whole upcoming situation... Sigh...
Honestly, I have not thought to much about it today either :D I have been busy trying to get the house back into order from me being sick and getting my room clean... Then, I studied for my math final tomorrow a bit... I am still really stressing it but I am going to study more in the morning... So, I hope I do a good job on the final it is 50% of my grade for this semster... Another thing to be stressed out over :( The good thing about the final is that it is over tomorrow and then there is no reason to stress anymore... My other finals are going to be easy enough :D
Well, on the issues I have been avoiding for two days :( I guess I should just hold my tongue and leave it all alone... I am not doing anyone any good and now he won't even talk to me, now... and trust me he is there cause he has been on the website. I know when anyone hits this site... where they are from... and their IP addy... a perk of paying for this site :D So, I guess in a way he is trying to tell me something... The good thing is that I am smart enough to take the hint... I know it is either he does not want to deal with it all or that he is running like he tends to do when things get a little to deep for him... either way he is telling me something and I guess I should respect that right? I mean I could be wrong but I feel like he is avoiding me... Are you?
Maybe the thing with us is that it is to much to handle to love each other... cause I know it causes me a lot of pain being like this :( I am not sure how to change it all but I will tell you this, I will get it all changed... I will figure it out... I have been running from it for to long and I have been hiding in my own little world... it is time to come out and face the truth and find out once and for all...what is true and what is lies that I tend to want to hold on too... It is time to put up or let go... there is no more holding on like this... I can not live like this :( How can I be whole, happy, when I have so many feelings inside for someone I am not with and may never be with...
I believe hope is a wonderful thing, yes, but to hope for something so self destructive is becoming what I am all about... Hope should be positive... something to look forward too, not something to wallow in and hurt because of... that is not hope at all... I will say my peace and I will get it all out in the open and then I will leave it in his hands... when he leaves everything I have been holding back and holding in will leave with him and I will take myself back... I will let him carry the burden of it... hehehe... and believe me I can play the game better then most females... ask my ex's...
I was talking to Randy and I think that he see's Daniel coming as a good thing for him... because the last time it drove me right into his arms and I suppose he is expecting it to do the same this time too... He has always known my feelings for Daniel... it is something I have never been ashamed to admit to anyone... It is something I can not hide from anyone... The strangest thing is that even knowing how much I love Daniel he stepped up to the plate and wanted to be with me anyways... Crazy huh? Maybe, it is because he knows something I don't want to let myself know...
I don't expect anything to change besides me finally being able to let go... Daniel and I are so much alike it is not funny and for the next how many ever years he will know he is the one who gave it all up, not me... My stupid pride is behind me... I am no longer afraid... Which is good for me :D
You know I had the strangest dream about us last night... LoL... yeah, I still dream of him often.. I was at a hotel and I saw Daniel there and we got to talking and ended up going back to his room... We were sitting on the bed hanging out and talking and then the door opened and he was like hurry we need to get under the bed... so there we were laying under the bed and Brenda came in the room and started packing up her stuff... she packed and left the room... we got out from under the bed and I was like Daniel you need to go after her and find out what is going on... (PS we did not have sex or anything like that)... and the weirdest thing he turned to me and said no let her go, she messed up not me... and I woke up wondering what is going on between them cause I am thinking there is more to it then Daniel is telling me... There is something going on... Or that is how I felt about it all when I woke up this morning... then I put it out of my mind and got out of bed... Funny how sometimes I feel things like that... I can't help but wonder why is he coming now? Why would Brenda allow it? It is x-mas for heaven sakes... I would want to be with my husband on x-mas if I was her (expecially if Daniel was my husband, I never liked being without him, which is still the case lol)... There are so many questions and things are just not adding up in my head... darn myself and me being a critical thinker and having the need to know and question everything... stupid need for knowledge...
So...I guess I am going to go for now... I have a final in the morning... and there is no reason to wait up because if he was not ignoring me then he would have put another message up saying he was back or something after he hit the website... but he didn't so there is no reason for me to expect to talk to him... so I am not expecting it... I don't expect to talk to him again until he is almost here anyways... I just hope he resends the flight info so I can take Tyler up there to pick him up... Tyler has been on and on about Daniel for the last few days... Driving me up the wall I am telling you... LoL...
Love
~Velvet Tearz~
We are so rich in love... we are rolling in cashmere... got it in 5th gear baby, diamond in the rough is looking so sparkly...
0 thoughts left so far My mood right now...
What I am listening too or watching at the moment...Luxurious by Gwen Stephani