2006-01-24 - 10:41 p.m.
Hey peeps,
Well, I do believe I am back :D I really truly needed a break to try to re-wire my thoughts. I am not so sure the re-wiring is going so well. One day I think I am good to go and then the next day I am right back were I was before he ever wrote that horrible email. His wife emailed me... so I finally emailed her back and told her she had nothing to worry about... I guess all and all that is true since he has pretty much made it clear that the last 6 years has been nothing but a game. I just feel so stupid, used, lied to, abused, and like the biggest fool in the world.
To be honest at first I was so mad after reading that email, but now I am not mad anymore. I feel like a total stupid ass loser though. I did figure some things out though during my little break. I have spent all of these years blaming myself, thinking somehow I was not stong enough to keep it all together, but honestly I have figured it out... it was not my fault at all. I was very strong... He wasn't strong at all to be honest... to let a love like ours slip away and do nothing about it... is weakness... I held on through so much crap and held on to our love all this time... just to find out that really it was all a lie... atleast on his part...
Well, all I can really say is he had his chance and he didn't want it... I have no regrets... I laid it all out and told him everything I was feeling... and everything I had been feeling... and that I needed to know if there was anything left between us... of course he said their was while he was here but then as soon as he got back he said their wasn't (well, not in so many words but I can read between the lines with him and always have been able too)... once Brenda found out... so basically I can't help but feel he was lying to me to keep me on the line like he has all these years incase things did not work out for him... Well, I guess that ship has sailed... I guess every ship has sailed for us... there is nothing left but a ocean of dreams and misleading thoughts and feelings that can not be shead as easly as a tear... I have tried to stop loving him and all I can say is that I am still trying... Though I am failing horribly... Must I be such a horrible failure at everything that has to do with the heart? Sigh, I suppose so... That has always been my life...
I should go because I am becoming hostile once again, towards myself and him as well... I guess it will take time to go through all of the stages of realization...I can say this though... I am strong enough to go on with my life.... and he well he will always suffer... and have to live with the regret...
I will say my farewells for the evening... finally the house falls into silence and my thoughts can float off to dreams of better things...
Good Night
~Velvet Tearz~
What I am listening too or watching at the moment...Cool by Qwen Stefani