2005-12-15 - 12:37 a.m.
Well, I lay here in my bed in my superman jammies and it is after midnight of course ie the date on the post title (I tend to write after midnight a lot) and horrid thoughts fill my mind about all the upcoming events...
I am so scared that Daniel has had a change of heart or atleast it thinking about things in a bad way at this point and time with the days looming closer and closer... I fear it is easier to run then to face the truth of our lives... Not only a few days ago he wanted to talk to me almost could not wait and now it feels to me he is somewhat relieved he does not have to talk to me because of different things he is involved in (look deep cause I feel it there, even though you will deny it)... awe... the army is good for hiding... thus we know and I have learned the hard way (which has brought me years and years of pain and self torture)...
Do not feel like the only one who is going through this I too am thinking of the impossible... With every night you do not talk to me I can convince myself that much more that it will never work out... I have left all the reality's slop into my mind and thought many times in the last two days that there is no way we will ever work out... I have thought why would I change something I know is going to last for something I am scared you will not be able to deal with... I too have thought about the upcoming trip to greece for you and it is a major reason why I should keep my distance... There are many doubts in my head but there is one truth... I love you and always have... maybe this is something you should really search your heart about... do you really love me or am I your fall back person... your reserve... your saftey net... the one you know you can keep on the line incase things go bad... Sometimes I feel like this is all I am to you... a saftey net... sometimes I doubt your love... though I never doubt mine because I am the one who lives in torture everyday of my exsistance... you can atleast claim happiness most of the time... I on the other hand can only claim regret and remorse and a overwelming sadness that feels my heart because of the love I feel for you and the loss of you...
I feel you slipping and I know the routine... you pop in my life just enough to keep me loving you... just enought to keep me holding on... so that one day when you have noone else to turn to you know I will be there... Sometimes I think it is all a game to you... a game to see how long you can keep me loving you... I feel so used at times... so stupid... but then I realize it is because I love you that I can not let you go... You always know just what to say and how to say it to keep me in the wings... Don't get me wrong I know I am the one who messed up but I feel that you will make me pay for it forever... your revenge so to speak... I wonder if you don't laugh about it at times cause you know I will always love you and be sorry... Then there are times when I know you love me just as much and hurt just as much... I do believe it is my nature to question these things...
I feel that you feel like you are betraying Brenda... That you feel guilty for talking to me even though when you do you are truely happy and in peace... I know the feeling... I felt it to once with Randy and I still feel it in a way... but I no longer run and I no longer deny it... my denials are not believed anyways cause the truth is always on my face...
Just rememeber this 8 more days and I will be there picking you up... you better figure it out and let me know before the time comes... Don't get me wrong I will say my peace and one way or another it will be straight before you leave...
I am tired now and I know you are not coming online you told me so... So, I am going to bed I have a final in 9 hours... Sleep well Daniel, and think of me tonight and what you really feel... sort it out you are running out of time... it has to be one or the other there is no in between anymore... this has gone on long enough... if I have to I will end it though I do not want to end it in the manner I will have to use to do so...
Good Night Sweet Dreams...
~Velvet Tearz~
What I am listening too or watching at the moment...I am watching... King Auther :D