2006-01-01 - 2:13 a.m.
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!! Hugs peeps... hope your New Year is great!!! I hope my New Year is great... :D
Well, I guess I lost... I lost... I lost... I lost... can I say it again? I lost... oh well I never expected that it would happen anyways... But at least now I know where I stand :D and that allows me the freedom to say fuck it and move on with my life... Maybe it is the fact I am drinking but I feel like that is it... I know that I lost... and he can have her because he will never feel about her what he will for me and he will be the one with regrets for the rest of his life... not me... I told him I was willing to do what it took and that I love him and if that does not mean as much to him as it does to me then I suppose it serves him right to suffer for it just as it did me... when it was my choice and I fucked it all up...
Maybe him and Brenda will be happy but just as he knew better lol I know better and when he ends up alone at least I will know I offered the chance to him and it was at a time that the choice should have been easy ... maybe hard getting the divorces and all but the choices should have been easy... for me it was because I truely love him... screw the rest... I believed in us... I know that we could have made it work... you don't just love someone like this... not like we love each other... and you don't just throw it away because it is not something you will ever have again with anyone EVER...
Maybe it is all one sided and if so well then he gave me my freedom... He is running again I know it and even if not then he is wrong for not talking to me at all today... even when I tried to wish him and BRENDA a Happy New Years... I was wishing it to both of them... not just him... so whatever... turn the phone off and ignore me no biggie... and I know there are certain situations in which you would have to but who cares about that really... I mean at least I am honest... atleast I can face the fact that I love you and don't lie to Randy about it... I tell him all of it... only because he is a good man and deserves to know... I am not ashamed of how I feel or of the fact that I love you and what we talk about or do... I will admit it willingly because really I know what is at stake... I know what torture I have put myself through over the last 6 years... I refuse to do it again and I also refuse to sit around and feel like it is my fault anymore... I have come clean and this will set me free...
I will never hate Daniel(I am sure I will always love him) but I know this rejection will end it all.. I will love him but after this all hope will be gone and I will move on and maybe try to find love with Randy... the kind he deserves... the kind I desreve... I will carry my sweet memories with me... reevaluated perfect and maybe learn a new way to love... cause truth be told loving Daniel in the manner I am is nothing but destructive... and a horrible way to live... I know he does not see it that way at all but honestly I do... It hurts me so much to know he is in her arms... and that is something I will no longer allow myself to wallow in...
My New Years Resolution... realize the relationship for what it is... and finally accept his rejection and move on... and let him feel the regret and the pain during his life time that I have been living with...
I have no regrets... I laid it all on the line... I told him where I stand and now it is time to accept the rejection and allow myself to move on and love again... it is much easier lol when you are the one being rejected to move on... I know this for a fact... I can let him go... only because rejection hurts a female on such a deep level... and I have just about reached that level of no turning back and of non-trust as far as the whole relationship goes... If that can be understood... not meaning that I do not trust him but that I am close to not being able to trust a relationship between us because I would always wonder why Brenda had to leave him for him to be with me whom he is suppose to love more then anyone (female and not his child or family of course)...
I will never hate him and most likely always love him but I also realize were I stand and though it hurts me to the very core of my being... I know I am the fall back person... The only reason he is turning to me again is because he knows how I feel for him and because he does not want to grow old and be alone and he is having issues with Brenda... I am his fall back plan... funny how you see things like that in the end... Will I accept being the fall back plan when I know I am the first choice in someone else's life??? That I guess is a questiont to ask if I ever really have to face it all :(
Well, I am major smashed and I think it is time to go cuddle with Randy and go to sleep and leave all the rejection behind me... I mean it is really clear that I am not important...
Now watch tomorrow I am going to regret every word I posted here tonight lol... but well tomorrow I guess I will be asking myself what the fuck was I thinking writing all that stupid shit but for tonight.. I am drunk... it is New Years and the person I love the most did not even bother the tell me a damn thing... how clear is that?
Night Night
Missy
What I am listening too or watching at the moment...Nothing.... Don't want the reminders,,,,