2006-01-11 - 12:33 a.m.
Okay peeps... I guess it is time to hit on this alittle bit I suppose... so here goes the reason why I have not replied to the email sent to me as of yet...
Ok, here goes... I guess it is because while I do understand where Daniel is coming from I guess this is something I need to think about as well... I mean I am just one of those peeps that think if your love is as strong as Daniel's and I... then it is going to work out because we are meant to be and that is more then apparent to me... but then I guess I do not want to say the wrong thing...
Though I think well if he does not think he can love me like I need to be loved then I suppose he has lost love for me over the years where mine has only grown... so I suppose if his love is fading then maybe my feeling for him and the knowledge that he is my lifemate might all be in my head... maybe, I was suppose to be with him and he was only the stepping stool to show me how to love again and to lead me to the right mans arms on day... and this might be if you think about it... daniel gave me everything and maybe he was only a lesson in life that I was suppose to learn and to make me realize that love is real... but then I am only trying to rationalize why daniel would not love or believe in us enough to think it could work.... I mean I know he is not comparing us to him and Brenda (because I would have to beat him) because we are not even close to the same... he can never feel for her what he does for me... to be honest and not to toot my horn or nothing cause I am not saying I am all of that or nothing, but he will never feel for anyone like her does for me ever... and I know this because it will be the same for me...
Then, I wonder is he just trying to run because he could not handle losing me again? Is he trying to make me change my mind because he is scared he will mess things with us up? Maybe, he has been lying to me this whole time and him and Brenda are okay and he is telling me these things because he is trying to tell me he does not love me anymore without really saying it... you know there are so many ways to take what he is saying to be honest with you all but honestly all it boils down to is FEAR... Yes... FEAR... Daniel is afraid...
I mean think about it... he has been with Brenda what 4 years now... and hey have been married... one thing he rushed into it before he really thought about it because I hurt him so deeply (which I am so sorry for really even though I dated Randy for a year before we ever married and you knew about him the whole time)... I mean I did not rush into my marriage but I did still get married for all the wrong reasons... I think Randy married me because he wanted what Daniel and I had, and I think I married him to try to get over Daniel... which really did not work, just as Daniel married Brenda to try to move forward and get over me... because he wanted what he had with me back as well... see the only problem with that is you tend to in time really care about those outside peeps you involve... and you fear hurting them... which is the truth in my case, but in my defense to whomever reads this I have never lied to Randy and he has always known that I love Daniel so much it kills me inside to be away from him and that I feel so incomplete without him... he has always known Daniel fills my dreams... He knew from before we started going out that he was being used to make Daniel wake up but Daniel didnt wake up... and I said what the hell so we really did start dating... I mean I thought if Daniel knew someone else felt something for me he might think about losing me and then he would realize that he does not want to lose me and then you know pay me more attention and we weould be okay... but he let me go instead... which I understand cause he wanted me to be happy... and I was playing stupid little games that backfired on me...
Now Randy and I have known ech other for almost 7 years now... because in all honesty I met Randy before I ever even knew of Daniels existance... Randy was the first one I met on September 23, 1999... But I did not even think twice about him really... I mean yeah his butt was hot... but I never wanted to be with him... I loved Daniel the moment I looked into his eyes... Instant and everlasting...
So anyways, I guess I am procrastinating because I love Daniel with all my heart and while I understand what he is saying in the letter I do not understand why he has lost so much faith in our love... and that kinda hurts me cause I have held strong all of these years... I have always loved Daniel from the moment I saw him and I always will love Daniel till the day I die... I know this... I would go to the ends of the earth for him... and I seriously doubt that if he really believed in us that he would have any doubts but he does have doubts... and I guess maybe I should rethink all of this because if he has doubts then I must not mean to him what he does to me... and in that case I am the Ass in all of this because I have wasted all of these years so in love with someone I could not be happy because we were not together and it was all for nothing... maybe I should take another look at what is right in front of me... though it will never change the fact that I love Daniel but maybe it will change the fact of me thinking we are meant to be together... maybe we are not... though in my heart I feel we are... but now I am confused...
Why doesnt he love me like he use too? I guess he is trying to tell me something huh? Even though I would like to fool myself into believing that he will love me forever and we belong together and we will be together... I guess he is trying to tell me that we wont and to move on in his own little way... but how do you stop loving someone you have loved for almost 7 years? How do you change the feelings you have for them... how do you change the fact that the moment you see them or hear their voice that everything in the world makes sense again... you are happy again... you are yourself again... how do you change the fact that everything is perfect in his arms and you feel like you can face anything as long as he is there for you (rather far or near)... Someone tell me cause the only way I can see my getting over him is to make myself hate him and once and for all get him out of my life... no contact, no nothing until I am totally over it and happy once again but harboring a hate for him that will never ever go away... maybe I need to make myself hate him.. there are plenty of reasons to hate him... and I am sure I can learn how to hate him with a lot of effort... no contact... and some support from my friends.... I just don't know what to do... What do you all think?
Love
~Velvet Tearz~
PS I need a magic cookie and I cnt afford one :( sniffles my neopet is sick :( it is going to take me a week to be able to afford one :( I hope they dont die :(
Nighterz
0 thoughts left so far My mood right now...So freaking tired... my first two weeks I am always adjusting to the school schedule... lol..What I am listening too or watching at the moment...The Resident Evil 2, Theme song :D