2006-01-25 - 9:40 p.m.
Sometimes I just feel like screaming it... I am Juliet and you are Romeo... deny thy father and refuse they name... grrrrrrrrrr.... damn it... I mean everytime I think I am finally putting it behind me something comes along and brings it all to surface... Something as small as the cool breeze brings back memories of a love so deep it is unforgettable... Today, I was driving in my car alone and I had the windows down and the cool breeze blew on my face and I felt so free... and so in love... so in love with Daniel... How in the hell am I suppose to let go of someone I love with every thread of my being? Someone tell me please... Even after the last email he sent me I can not let go and I tried... When is the living hell going to end? OMG... we both know that we will never be happy, truely happy without each other... So, WHY? Why do we put ourselves throught this torture? And I know he is feeling the same... I don't care what the hell he writes... he knows he loves me and wants to be with me... I know it too... and the sad thing is no matter how I fight it... or how much he fights it... it is there and it is a love that is undeniable... it is pure love, it is true, it is everlasting... why do we fight it? To not hurt the ones we are with... OMG, can we not see we are hurting them by staying when we are so bound together? How can it be denied? How can we go through life so unhappy and so longing for each other? I know in my heart, soul and very being that we are it... we are meant to be and this feeling is forever no matter how much we choice to fight it... we can't fight it... he is my romeo... period... How can he sit and pretend I meant nothing... I know he is telling me lies... God how stupid does he think I am? I know that he will feel for me just as I feel for him... I know and he knows this is everlasting... no matter what he says... he may think he is doing what is best for me... but he is plain stupid... if that is what he thinks... I should be able to decide what is best for me... It is my life my freaking choice... not his... why does he not just let things go the way they are meant to go... Damn, him and his bleeding heart... What about me? How can he hurt the one he is suppose to love the most in the whole world.. and I don't care what he says I know he loves me.. I saw it in his eyes... I felt it... He was whole again while he was here as was I... We both know it... we both feel it... I know that it is something we will never feel with anyone else... yes, we both hate hurting people we have come to love but how can we stay and hurt them more? The longer we sacrifice ourselves the longer we live in a lie and remain incomplete... Sometimes I just want to slap him silly... I am thinking I am going to fly my happy ass to Hawaii and face it all and come what may... here and there... I am not going to give up... I KNOW he loves me just as much as I love him... I know it... Daniel and I have always been practically the same person since the day we met... he and I both know there is no other... we can pretend all we want... we can deny all we want but the truth is that we belong together... and we knew it the moment we saw each other... age be damned... forget it all... we are what each other needs to survive and be happy... hmmmm, I wonder... but that is for another entry... maybe... you know I wonder what he would do if I was expired and he lost his chance forever? Do you think he would have regrets? And if so why do we not just be together... I mean really what if I died tomarrow... I would die thinking that the only man I have ever loved does not love me... thinking that I am as useless as I have always felt... I mean how could he tell me I was so wonderful and let me go like I am nothing? Apparently, he is only saying stuff and did say stuff because he fears hurting people... not because he really loved me :( OMG, how he made me believe though... I feel so much for him... how can I? How can I be so damn stupid? I am in love and will always be in love with a DOGG, a PLAYER, a complete and total LIER... why do I always fall for those kind of men? I am crying now so I guess I better go now... I meant to make this all about my English test, my english teacher, and my thoughts on the "Deny thy father and refuse thy name" from Romeo and Juliet... how it pretians to what is going on right now in my life... I could just die because I am so confused and I know wish people would just let me live my own life and let me decide what is right for me... and my life... yeah right... I will never be free... the only person who freed me has decided to bind me with thinking he knows best... how stupid... I think I know what is best for me... I think I have earned the right... If he could honestly get on the phone voice to voice and talk to me and tell me that he is over me and he thinks that I am not what is best for him then maybe just maybe I can get over this all but until that time comes (which it never will becuase he knows he loves me more then anything) I will never give up on our love.. I know in my heart it is right... perfect... meant to be... and I dare him to deny it... I dare him... And if he choices to take me up on the dare then... he must prove it is him in his denial... I mean who knows for all I know it could be Brenda and not him... There has to be proof... something only he knows and there are tons of things that only he knows about me... But I know it will never happen because he loves me and he knows it, just as I do.. I feel him even now as I write this... I feel his regret, sadness, his will power to try to get over me and his knowledge that he knows it will never happen... but he is determined to fo through with his current plan... he is determined to have a life outside of loving me... hahaha... but we both know it will fail... and he will forever love me and I will forever haunt him in his dreams and his thoughts and memories and his love will never die (even when he is standing over my grave hold our perfect sons hand. He will regret it in his life and he will forever be a shell of a person until he finally realizes that we are it...
OMG I am SO FREAKING OBSESSIVE... I SWEAR TO YOU ALL... I AM NOT IMAGINING IT... I PROMISE I KNOW HE LOVES ME... I PROMISE... GEESH I SOUND LIKE A OBSESSIVE CRAZIED LUNITIC... OMG... MAYBE I AM... HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? ONE DAY I WAS SO HAPPY AND IN LOVE AND BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS PREGGERS AND ALONE... HOW DID I LET MYSELF BE SO STUPID? HOW COULD I FALL FOR SUCH A FREAKING PLAYER... OMG HE IS SO SELFISH AND UNLOVING... IF HE CAN DO THIS TO THE PERSON HE WANTED TO MARRY (OR SO HE SAID) MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD... AND HE EVEN SAID IT WHILE HE WAS HERE OVER X-MAS... HOW CAN HE HURT ME THIS WAY? THINK ABOUT THE PERSON YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD LOVE (FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE) AND BE WITH NO MATTER WHAT? THINK ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HAD YOUR SON EVEN THOUGH SHE DID NOT WANT TOO... I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE YOU WANTED A SON, YOU WANTED SO BADLY FOR US TO HAVE A FAMILY AND US TO BE TOGETHER AND I LOVED YOU AND WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY (THOUGH I LOVE MY SON... YES I SAID MINE) ... HOW CAN YOU LET GO OF THAT? THOSE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS... DAMN YOU I HAD YOUR SON AND I TRUSTED YOU... I BELIEVED YOU. I BELIEVED EVER WORD YOU SAID TO ME... I TOOK YOU HOME... I SLEPT WITH YOU AND MY OWN MOTHER KNEW ABOUT IT... SHE HAS NEVER AND NEVER WILL AGAIN KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT: THE WAY SHE KNEW IT... I SHARED EVEYTHING WITH YOU, WHO I WAS, WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH, MY SECRETS, MY PAINS, AND FOR WHAT? TO BE TREATED LIKE I AM A UNWANTED PEICE OF CRAP? LIKE I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU? LIKE I AM JUST ANOTHER PERSON FOR YOU TO WIPE YOUR FEET ON... AND YOU SON IS JUST A WHIMSY TO YOU... WHEN YOU FEEL BAD YOU WANT TO SEE HIM... BUT YOU COULD CARE LESS FOR HIM WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GREAT FOR YOU... YOU ARE TRUELY A BASTARD FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME AND OUR SON... I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE THAT ONE DAY YOU WILL ADMIT...WHAT YOU REALLY SEE IN YOUR HEART... I WILL TAKE YOU BACK BECAUSE I AM NO FOOL... I KNOW REAL EVERLASTING LOVE WHEN I FEEL IT, BUT SOMETIMES I WISH THAT I CAN LOOK YOU IN THE FACE WHEN YOU COME CRAWLING BACK AND TELL YOU "SCREW YOU BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE YOU AND I FEEL NOTHING FOR YOU"... IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HURT YOU TO THE DEPTHS THAT YOU HAVE HURT ME.. YOU HAVE NO CLUE NOR DO YOU CARE... WHICH SHOULD TELL ME TO GIVE UP RIGHT THERE BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING... OUR SOULS ARE IN LOVE... OUR SPIRITS... AND THERE IS NO FIGHTING IT.. FOR EITHER OF US... THOUGH WE MAY TRY WE WILL END UP BITTER AND ALONE... TELL ME IS THAT HAT YOU REALLY WANT? TO BE ALONE? TO KNOW YOU LET THE ONE PERSON WHO LOVED YOU MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD GO? I WANT YOU TO ADMIT TO ME... I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT IT WAS ALL A LIE AND ALL A GAME AND THAT YOU MADE PROMISES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE... IT IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WONDER IF OUR SON WAS REALLY MADE IN TRUE LOVE OR OUT OF SOME PERVERTED GAME IN ORDER TO RUIN MY LIFE...
WELL LET ME SAY THIS YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE LOSER HERE NOT ME... YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO IS SORRY AND YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT YOU TORE OPEN THE PERSON WHO LOVES YOU THE MOST... BROKE HER HEART, TORE IT INTO A MILLION PEICES, AND RUINED HER AND EVERY FAITH AND HOPE SHE HUNG SO DEAR TOO... YOU ARE THE REASON I LIVE EVERYDAY IN COMPLETE MYSERY AND SELF LOATHING... YOU ARE THE REASON I HATE MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME...
NOW LIVE WITH THAT REALIZATION YOU SELFISH ASS... YES, I AM CALLING YOU AS ASS.. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE... I AM CALLING YOU A NAMES IN THIS EMAIL... AND YOU DAMN WELL DESERVE IT... AND YOU KNOW YOU DO... I HOPE YOU ROT IN YOUR OWN SELF HATRED AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS NOTHING BUT SHIT LIKE YOU ARE MAKING MY LIFE... NOTHING BUT A MISRIBLE PLACE OF EXSISTANCE... I LONG TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE BECAUSE THE WORLD IS SO FULL OF BETRAIL... THIS I HAVE LEARN FROM MY ONE TRUE LOVE, MY SOULMATE, THE ONE I REALLY BELIEVED IN, THE ONE WHO HAS AND CONTINUES TO HURT ME BEYOND REPAIR WITH NO REGUARD TO WHAT HE IS DOING JUST BECAUSE HE THINKS IT IS BEST FOR ME... LIKE HE FREAKING KNOWS... YOU ARE NOT ME... YOU WILL NEVER KNOW... DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE DAMAGE YOU CAUSE OR THE HATE INSIDE ME, THE TORTURE I GO THROUGH, THE TEARS I CRY EVERY NIGHT... YOU WILL NEVER SEE BECAUSE YOU ARE TO BUSY LIVING IN YOUR PRETEND WORLD, TO BUSY PLAYING LIKE SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT... KEEP UP THE CHARADE I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT ONE DAY AND COME CRAWLING BACK... I REALLY DO AND WHEN YOU DO, I HOPE I AM NOT THE STUPID ASS FOOL I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WHEN IT COMES TO YOU... I HOPE I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOU TO STICK IT WERE THE SUN DOES NOT FUCKING (YES I SAID FUCKING) SHINE...
I KNOW YOU OR YOUR WIFE WILL READ THIS... MAYBE HER OR MAYBE BOTH OF YOU... I WANT HER TO KNOW THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER... IT REALLY DOESNT THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT I WAS TOLD LIE AFTER LIE AND MADE TO BELIEVE THEM AND WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO DO SO... MY ADVICE... GIRL GET OUT WHLE YOU CAN HE IS NO GOOD... LOOK AT HOW HE RUINED ME :( AND IF YOU DONT BELIVE ME I CAN PREDUCE PROOF... I HAVE SAVED EVERYTHING... I CANT LET IT GO... I HAVE TRIED TO BURN IT, THROW IT AWAY, TEAR IT UP... I CAN'T HE POSIONED ME, MADE ME FEEL SO STRONG FOR HIM THAT THERE IS NO TURNING BACK I CAN NEVER HATE HIM... AND FOR THAT I WISH I COULD HATE HIM... IF THAT MAKES SENSE... JUST AS I KNOW IF HE READS THIS HE IS GOING TO WISH HE HATE ME... BUT HE WONT AND HE KNOWS IT... OR MAYBE HE WILL....
SCREW IT TIME TO GO TO BED :( AND DREAM MY SAD PATHETIC DREAMS OF HIM AND AWAKE HATING MYSELF EVEN THAT MUCH MORE... REMEMBERING HOW RIGHT WE FEEL IN EACH OTHERS ARMS... HOW PERFECT... GOSH, I WANT TO HATE HIM SO BAD...
I AM OUT OF HERE... I AM SURE I WILL FEEL BETTER TOMORROW BUT THIS TIME I WILL NOT REGRET WHAT I WROTE... IT WAS WRITTEN WITH A PURPOSE AND WITH A TRUTH I HAVE BEEN HIDING FROM THIS FOR WAY TO LONG... HE IS NOTHING YET HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME :(
GOOD NIGHTERZ :(
~Velvet Tearz~
Ps... excuse they typo's I am really tired... I had a long day and will have to get up at 4 am tomorrow and it is 1130pm... nighterz...
What I am listening too or watching at the moment...The best I have ever had ... by Gary Allen (gosh how perfect for the situation....)