2006-01-29 - 6:08 p.m.
OMG... I am totally mean... Wow, have I really become that intense and hateful... geesh... well, I guess we are all human... and don't get me wrong I do not regret the post... not at all it is how I felt at the time and that is what this Diary is here for... so no regrets... though I do not feel that way anymore... :D I will admit I might have over reacted just a tad... and I mean only a tad bit, because you have to remember he has been playing a emotional game with me for years and years... but I suppose I did not do anything to stop it... and I could have... maybe I was not ready to let go either... I guess I keep thinking that maybe everything is the way it should be... and has been the way it should be... I mean maybe Daniel and I were meant to be the way we are and figure out these thing at this time in our lives... well, atleast I can be smart enough to realize that by this happening now I do realize that Randy is wonderful... You now I still can not figure out when he became that way maybe I was to blind to see it but really OMG he is wonderful... I have cheated on him and he has forgiven me, I have left him over and over and he has taken me back, he and I never fight about nothing anymore, and he feels good to me... he feels right... I don't know when it happened but I know it happened as Daniel did not feel right to me though I did not want to admit it... I am not even sure it was all that great to be honest... I mean not like I remembered it and I think it was more him then me... Okay you know let me explain that he feels good to me thing better... well, it is like it has always felt so wrong being with him and now after Daniel came here and I spent time with him it seems like I was thinking that I would rather it have been Randy... I guess this was the best thing for us both... now I know maybe Daniel was not the love of my life... but maybe circumstances made it seem that way... I mean what we had was never in real life... it was always in some fantasy world... I am upset that he could not just let me go earlier then this and that he has told me he has loved me all this time and it been a lie... OMG what a shitty thing to do to someone... I mean really.. I never lied I did love him all of this time with all of my heart... but now I think I see that I was in love with a lie... with the dream of a perfect man... a soulmate... someone who understood me and loved me and hurt like me... lol.. but he didn't... just was just not strong enough to tell me... because he thought he would hurt me more... though he hurt me more by not telling me... by his confessions that were lies he keep me hanging on... so I do hope that he has a great life... and I have put him in the past with all of the other men that have treated me like crap... though I do hope him and I can salvage a friendship out of it because we really are so alike it is not funny... he has been all about his career and funny how mine has been all about mine as well... it is nuts how we have seemed to grow up the same at the same time in our lives even though I am older... and I guess in some ways I am much more mature... I am a mother, a goddess, I am something that he would only wish to be his whole life... I use to look up to him lol... not anymore... now I know I am the superior one lol... funny I think I always have been... Amazing the things you think once you let go... I have principles and I have never lied through it all and I held onto a love I thought was perfect... yeah, I might have thought that but he is the one who made me think it... with all of his confessions of love and connections and the way we just slip right back into being around each other like we were not apart... so he can move on and I will move on because I only slipped back into it because to me time stood still because I refused to see what he had become and made excuse after excuse for him... but that is what you do when you really love someone... and I did really love him... I am not sure I will claim him as my true love or soulmate any longer because someone who means that much to you and is that deeply embeded into your heart would never hurt you like he did... but I will say he is the smoothest and the best player (for lack of a better word) I have ever been with... He is smooth I will say that for him...sneaky... he knows how to play the game and really hurt someone in the end... Yup I sure played the fool lol... but I guess that everyone has to have a tragedy in there life... a great epic tale of love and loss and being the fool... and Daniel is mine... he is my tragedy... my epiphany... my muse in heart ache... he is my pain and suffering... he is my dark side of love... but that is okay cause we all need a dark side of love... once he was light and I found out that really it was just darkness in disquise... wow... what a revalation... he was the first one who broke me... lol.. he is good... and I know he will not see this as I do... but I know it is true because if it was true love like he said he would not have lied to me and hurt me in the way he did... I was the puppet and he was the puppetmaster... pulling my strings over these last 7 years... I am a living puppet... or I was a living puppet... and I know I will never make him feel sorry for what he has done to me so don't think that is what I am trying to do... guys like Daniel they are never sorry for the pain they have caused others.. they are to selfish to feel sorry... their main concern is and always will be themselves... and I am glad I am not involved with that... because even if we had worked out and were together... we would not have made it kids or no kids... I do not like being treated like I do not exsist... and I am a huge attention hog and I really think that is his fault as well... I am this way because he spent every moment with me, he wanted to be with me every second and I have figured out that I am not like that... I need my space... yet, let my man try to get his lol... not happening... that is all his fault... because he taught me that... he instilled that into me... I am so different because of the things that have happened between us... sometimes I feel lie because of him I have forgotten who I really am and other times I feel lie he has shown me who I am... though I will always long for those days when we were togeter in S. Carolina, the water foutain, rafters, the hotel rooms and being held and loved beyond my imagination... goofing off, holding hands, cuddling, taling, understanding, the feeling of being truely loved, the sex... omg, the honesty, and everything... I think it was all life changing events... but I think I can find something better somewhere else... those things were a foundation... something that set the bounderies... and OMG... can things really be better... they have to be... because if he and I were meant to be we would be and that I truely believe... Gosh, I am so relieved... I am not sure I would want to be stuck with Daniel all my life... I could not even deal with him suffercating me with love when we were together... atleast until after it was over... then I desired it at all times... I really wanted to end it so many times... I knew it would never work yet everytime I opened my mouth everyone thought I was insane... AM I INSANE???? Look at us now... I was so right... IN ALL OF YOUR FACES... and because I should have said this then and never did... FUCK YOU ALL .... seriously... I should have dumped him the moment I wanted too... and moved the hell on... but no everyone told me that there was no way we would not be together... and my stupid asss started beliving them... lol... oay so I am not trying to be mean I am just saying I KNEW IT... and noone believed me... and now look at us... see people should just let people let go when they want to and it would cause so much less pain... in the long run... I could have done without all these years of heartache and pain... seriously... it was a waste of my life... 7 years... I mean that is no small chunk of time... 7 freakin years... I lived a lie because he felt like holding on to me... and for no good reason because he didn't love me.. and I guess when I think of that 7 years wasted on him it makes me want to cry, it pisses me off, and in that moment I really hate him... I mean HATE... cause I don't understand why he would do that to someone... You know... it is worse then anything that has ever happened to me... I would rather be molested sexually, raped, beat, then be lied to for 7 years... I would rather have died... seriously... I know it sound extreme but put yourself in my place... really I think I would have been better off...
I guess since I am becoming morbid and Brenda Just emailed me I am going to go for now... I will post later maybe :D
Love you all anf thanks for putting up with my pathetic mood swings lol... hehehehe... really I am not a bad person I promise you... I am just going through something very hard... I loved him for 7 years... I have to get through it you know and this is the place to do it :D So, please please are with me :( I will get over it soon :D I am already starting too I just cant decide if I hate him or not... lol... okay off to read the email from his wife... seems like they both tend to email me around the same time... I guess they both sneak off to the computers to talk to me lol.... to funny... okay well I am going to go now mwaaa...
~Velvet Tearz~
What I am listening too or watching at the moment...My Humps by Black Eyed Peas