2006-04-10 - 12:06 a.m.
Or atleast for me it is... It seems that I am always depressed or upset or hurt or tired or something :( But of course I am getting pretty use to it...
I think writing in my journal is really getting to me. I have gone through so much in the last few months :( and it is just really getting to me...
I took a little break from my chatroom cause I really was not in the mood to be all happy and such... cause I am just feeling so betrayed by everyone around me :( Then I get back and get the shock of a lifetime... Guess who is back? SciFi... geesh never thought I would talk to him again... and I only mean back as in around... nothing more... just to clarify... but anyways so that on top of all the other crap in there... and all my real life stuff :( It is just so much to handle for me right now...
Most the time I just want to cry my eyes out and the rest of the time I want to hide in my room... away from everyone... and that just seems just fine for me cause it is not like anyone cares, or listens to me...
It is always about everyone else and how they feel and what they want and so on and so forth... and the thing is that everyone I know does nothing to make me feel happy, or special, or anything like that... all they do is make me feel used... I just feel like my whole life it dedicated to people who lie and use me :( That is not a very good feeling :( but I suppose it has always been that way...
You know the worse part about it all is I am so gulible to believe that there is a guy out there who does not lie or atleast would not lie to me, and one who would treat me right... I have always been that stupid, yes... lol... and in 2 days I turn 31 and guess what... I have not found one yet...
The sad truth is really I am almost to the point where I don't even care about finding anyone anymore... I just want to get through this life... with what little sanity I can preserve... It is so hard to even think at this time in my life to believe in anyone... or that there is even such a thing as real love... I think it is all a bunch of crap...
Basically all it boils down to is do you like each other, can you get through fights, and is all that you go through really worth your time and effort... Love... hahaha... yeah right...
And yes I know this all sounds horrible... and maybe it is... I am not saying that I might not find that again... but I am saying right now I don't believe in it... and I doubt I will ever get to that place again :( Everytime I have thought myself to really be in love all 4 times... All four of the guys... Lee, Daniel, Paul, and Randy... all of them have broke my heart so badly that I do not think I will ever be able to let those hurts go... I have really truly with all of me loved 4 guys in my 31 years... And each of them...
Lee... just disappeared one day... not even an explination... Nothing... we had a date to go to the movies and he never showed... Then my best friend stole his class ring out of my room when she was over a vew weeks later... I thought I lost it... I was so upset, but in the end when I found out the truth... months after it just ended... lol... I found out my best friend stole the ring and they started going out... The weirdest thing though... I still have a picture of him... at my grammys house in a picture of my mom... a tiny little picture tucked into the corner of the frame... He still sits there in my room at my grammys house in a frame... and me... I can't get rid of it... I can't even touch it... I was 14 when we got together... we broke up when I was 16... 17 years that photo has sat there in that frame... 17 years... it has sat there and reminded me 4 times a year of the heartbreak and lies... my best friends betrayal... that I still don't know why he left... atleast it is 169 miles from here in a bedroom I do not sleep in... but I still can't get rid of it :( My high school sweetheart... sitting there in that frame...
Daniel... man what can I say about him... I wasted all my life on him, well 6 years of it anyways... yeah... I still can't believe that whole mess
:( When he pulled out of the hotel here in Hood to go to Hawaii... It was so hard to see him go and the promise of love, happiness, marriage, being a family... hung in the air... I suppose though the day he drove off the rain washed all that hope and the promises away unknown to me... He came back once... before this last time... said that he loved me and still wanted to marry me... told me I was still his life and I always would be... He said he was going to come back... Lying bastard... lol... He was engaged... he came here engaged and then went back and married someone else... after he sat and told me he would always love me... that he had waited for me for 2 years and had thought of nothing but me... and still he told me he loved me... still he said he was not happy with her... and I stupid me believed it... :( I mean I went on with my life ya... but I believed he loved me... and then he comes out of nowhere and asks to come here... gave me hope that there could be a us, again... yeah and stupid me... he came and left and kept talking to me... told me his wife and him were pretty much over... atleast until she found out about me... then he turned into this ugly asshole who was just mean to me... to bad I never told his wife his dirty little secret... and had I known the truth... it never would have happened... but then I cant do that to her... I can't hurt her like that... so instead I deal with all the years of lies and my stupidty for believing them... and the regret of every choice since the moment he drove off in that cab with me standing in the rain crying... I should have said my good-byes then...
Paul... well, really there is not to much to say about Paul... We were friends...it turned into more over time... don't know how he did it but he managed... I fell for him pretty hard... but then again I really guess I always knew he was using me from the beginning... and still I loved him... I think the worse part was not that it was over cause really I pretty much always expected that deep down inside though I never really wanted to admit it to myself... what really hurt me was how it all ended and that he really thought I would do that too him... but really I suppose I could not blame him for that either as (NO I did not do it)he was fresh out of a really bad marriage and his ex was not so forthcoming with him and did what I was accused of to him... so therefore... him thinking it... was no shock and his refusal to listen to me really shouldnt have been as big of a shock as it was to be honest... but I suppose it was :( And then he refused to even tell me for days what was going on :( I really asked for all that horrid treatment... and all the stuff that came along at the end... and what seems like forever afterwards... the lose of my friend, and for someone to think that I would be stupid enough to go through all of that again :( I don't care if I did love him (now I am not saying I do so :P) but if I did I would not be that stupid... that really broke my heart... the whole thing... I would not put myself through it again... Oh, I guess I forgot to mention this but Paul is back around again... so that makes things even harder... but I think maybe he is the only guy I really loved who did not lie to me... he promised me we would be remain friends no matter what and I suppose though I had to wait a long time we still are friends :D
Randy... well I am not going to retell that horrid tale... but you can read about it in the "fallen hero" post...
So there are the 4 guys I have truly loved in my life time and the tales of how it all went wrong... hmmm... do you see a pattern? Yes, I am a complete screw up and can't hold a relationship together not even if my life depended on it... and no matter how deep the love I fell is for the person... and why can't I just get rid of all the pictures of those people... I have photos of every single one of them... sheesh :( I know that is a just as bad :( Maybe I keep them as reminders of the pain that love can deal someone... who knows...
Well, I think that it is time for me to put my lappy down and get some sleep and ponder on why I am such a huge screw up... Well good night...
Hugz ~Velvet Tearz~
1 thoughts left so far My mood right now...melancholy.....What I am listening too or watching at the moment...Wave on Wave by Pat Green....